so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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