mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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