Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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