I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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