Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
