im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
