If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
