the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
