In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
