Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
