I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
