she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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