No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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