I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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