How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
