If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
