I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
