You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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