I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize