I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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