I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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