I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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