party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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