There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
