yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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