we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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