matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
