i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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