I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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