I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
