so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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