You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
