I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
