Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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