that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
