How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
