She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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