Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize