Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
