Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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