I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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