I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
