when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
