i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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