The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
