I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
