I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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