I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
