Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
