You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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