I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
