Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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