I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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