I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
