Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
