Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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