Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I puked a lego.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
