You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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