i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
