Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
