my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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